Wizard Rock

To coincide with the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the three most magical bands in the universe kicked off their U.S. tour bringing Wizard Rock straight to my door step or at least within driving distance. I am of course speaking of the band with that makes both magicians and muggles scream –ladies and gentlemen give it up for DRACO AND THE MALFOYS! Oh yeah and Harry and the Potters and The Whomping Willows were there too…Actually they were all pretty good. Draco just happened to be my personal favorite because being bad is so much more fun.

I very nearly missed it, but a friend of mine was kind enough to bring it to my attention. So I was able to stand in the audience, wearing my Gryffindor tie because I’m a loser and sing along with a crowd full of 10 year olds.

Luckily this all ages show in a bar so I was able to have a few gin and tonics whilst enjoying the music. What’s more fun than a bunch of geeky adults getting toasted in a room full of kids? No…you tell me.

The best part of the show -  watching a drunk 30-something waving a light up wand back and forth to slow songs as if it was a lighter.

The worst part – having my drunk friend scream the following at various points in the evening:
- “Oh my god we are surround by dorks.”
-“I could beat all these dorks up.”
-“I totally want to fuck that Hermione.” <—My personal favorite!
We didn’t get beaten up but we did get a few nasty looks from pissed off looking Hermiones who were within ear shot of that last comment.

All in all it was a night miss-spent

“Party: Like You’re Evil”

“Voldemort Can’t Stop the Rock”

And for all you Draco/Harry slash fans

“In Which Draco and Harry Secretly Want to Make Out”

 

Hippie Fest

Well festival season is in full swing and the annual Hippie Fest in my town has just concluded.  Hippie Fest (not its real title) is a 3 day event filled with free music, dirty bare foot hippies and nudity. Although Hippie Fest started over 20 years ago as a small gathering of political hippies to bring focus to needs and issues it has since ballooned into, “arguably the largest free, non-corporate urban music and arts festival in the US.”

Rather than working for peace, love and equality – the festival now is mostly about getting drunk, eating junk from food vendors, buy junk from nic-nac vendors and getting stoned in public. This is not the say that Hippie Fest is not fun, I am merely arguing that $5 funnel cakes, $20 t-shirts, $8 beers and barefoot college pseudo-hippies eating sushi s are not what the originators of this festival had in mind when they first started.

Everyone and anyone can be part of Hippie Fest. Highlights this year include:

-The Church of Scientology-We got to see an E-Meter up close and personal. I would have taken a picture myself but one of the Scientologist started to approach us so we made a run for it. Can’t we just gawk at your freakishness without having to talk to you?

-A booth SELLING anti-capitalist bumper sticker and other items.

-A Sushi Vendor – if you are buying sushi from a festival vendor you are just asking for it.

-Art Cars – The art car thing started about 5 years ago. But since the number of freak cars has grown exponentially. This cars have also been seen motoring around the city.

-Boobies – They were everywhere. Toplessness is not illegal in my town but it seems that the only time we actually get to see them out in public is at Hippie Fest.

-The Gay Pride Festival – also takes place on the Saturday during Hippie Fest. So there are often scantily dress men to go with the topless hippie girls.

-The frothy pond where Hippie Fest took place. A few people actually took a swim in it.

 

 

I’m still recovering. See you next year!

Gaggle of Gifts aka Ton O’Tit

Shopping for gifts has never been a task I enjoyed. I will venture to guess that few people actually like gift buying. There is so much pressure to get just the right gift. You want to find something that:

1. Shows you care
2. Shows you really know them
3. They will actually enjoy it and appreciated it
I always have ideas from what to get people but when crunch time comes I go blank. I then spend the next few days trying to figure out what to get them other than a gift card. About a year ago I decided to simply buy things I think certain people will enjoy as soon as I come across them. This saves me the stress of trying to remember all the good ideas I once had. Now anytime I see something interesting I just buy it. Currently, I have a small stock pile of potential gifts.

Last week, the Friend from Seattle had a birthday. I simply opened the armory of presents and selected one. It was the easiest gifting experience I have had in a long while. No fretting, no strain. I just grabbed it, wrapped it and sent it.

Oh yeah, in case you are wondering, here is what the Friend from Seattle got.

Art Fest

Today is the official first day of summer, but the festival session in Ohio started a couple of weeks ago. Each year the Ohio Arts Council organizes an Art Fest where artists from all over the U.S. and Ohio gather to sell over priced “art.”  While I enjoy knocking Art Fest I went anyway. Because I am a hypocrite, because I am enticed by deep fried carney food sold out of “restaurant” on wheels, because I am bored.

Many artists frowned upon but fellow specializing in animals made from wicker allowed me to snap a few shots:

God Damn Church

I haven’t been to church since I was 5. I never really took to religion. However, I have always loved the beauty of churches and other (older) places of worship.  Not believing in god doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate design and craftsmanship.

Recently, the Greek Orthodox church down the street from my home had an open house. I brought El Roommate with me to explore the structure. Clearly, El Roommate had not been to church in sometime as well because as soon as we walked through the front door he shouted, “Damn this shit is cool!” The Priest and other patrons were not pleased with this complement and if looks could kill we would have been torn apart Hellraiser style. Luckily, they can’t and El Roommate continued to wander through the church screaming, “Fuck look at this,” and “This shit is really fucking amazing,” all the while completely oblivious to the glares of disapproval.

When El Roomate yelled FUCK for what seemed like the 50th time The Priest started moving towards him with a look of rage. At this point I grabbed him and we headed towards this exit at a dead sprint. But before our hasty exit I was able to take a first shots on my camera phone.

George and the Dragon

The Ceiling

Enema

Everyone must serve time in customer service. There should be no exception. I believe that it makes you a better person in the end. More patient and empathetic.

This is a story about my time in customer service…

When I was a college freshman I earned spending cash by selling electronic equipment at a Large Retail Store. Actually, I got the best job there (in my opinion). I wasn’t stuck folding towels or carefully lining up sticks of deodorant or handling returns. With the exception of the Xmas rush and the occasional insane customer my job was the best of the worst. I stocked the shelves and then sat behind my glass counter watching the many televisions on display until someone needed a video game or a camera.
 
Then one slow Tuesday evening a trepid looking women approached my glass counter. I looked away from the television to acknowledge her with a smile. She did not smile back. Instead she leaned in closely and whispered, “Where are the enemas?”

Now why anyone would ask an employee in electronics for the location of enemas is beyond me. I don’t know how one forms a link between stereos and person cleaning products. I told Enema Woman, “I think it’s in the health and beauty section. Ask the pharmacist.” I then lead Enema Woman to the pharmacist’s desk.

Turns out that the pharmacist is at lunch but the technician is there. I inquire as to the whereabouts of said enema.

The Technician replies, “Hmmm. I don’t know. No one has ever asked about that before. Hang on let me ask one of the floor people.” The Technician asks a Floor Person (1) who is stocking shelves nearby.

Floor Person (1) says, “I don’t know they moved everything last week. I can’t find anything.” Floor Person (1) then pulls the walkie talkie off his belt clip and asks, “Hey does anyone know where enemas were moved to?”

Floor Person (2) shows up and says its in aisle 17A. The Assistant Manager shows up and says its in aisle 17A. Someone on the walkie announces, “The enemas have been moved to 17A.” We all (me, the Technician, Floor Person (1), Floor Person (2) and the Assistant Manager) turn and look for the Trepid Woman. Not surprisingly she is gone. We all realize that we have made Trepid woman’s enema shopping worst case scenerio come true. We then burst out laughing in unison.

Grocery Store Divider Lady

Some people are just strange. While driving home from work the other I had a sudden craving for oranges. I stopped at the local grocery store, picked up a few citrus globes and some other items I didn’t really need and hop in the 10 items or less lane.

This is when I met Grocery Store Divider Lady. As soon as she queued up behind me she placed a divider about a foot behind my items and although there was no one behind her she placed another divider behind her groceries. She then threw me a warning look. I thought nothing of it and turned my attention back to the cashier. 

While scanning my last item, a box of cookies, the cashier noticed that the box had a large hole on the bottom of it. She kindly offered to go and get a replacement box for me. Hearing this, The Girl who had lined up behind Grocery Store Divider Lady said, “Cool now I have time to get some milk.” And off she went.

So for the next 2 minutes it was just Grocery Store Divider Lady and I. It was the longest 2 minutes of my life. As soon as we were alone Grocery Store Divider Lady pushed all of The Girls groceries back about 1 foot. Apparently The Girl had ignored the boundaries set by the divider and infringed upon Grocery Store Divider Lady’s space. Grocery Store Divider Lady then looked at me and said, “Can you believe that?” I had no response. What could I have said? I refused to agree with her, she was crazy. I certainly wasn’t going to disagree with her either for the same reason. And so we stood, silent. She stared intently, her eyes beginning me to nod, mumble a yes, or at the very least shrug. I looked back blankly not wanting to show any expression for fear that she would attack me with a grocery divider. Just when I thought we would both burst both the cashier and The Girl returned at the same time.

The Girl was confused. She new something had changed but she wasn’t sure what. I thanked the cashier for the undamaged box of cookies, quickly paid and left. 

Tacos and Condoms

A while ago I was flipping through a flyer/advertisement and saw an ad for a Local TexMex Joint. The Local TexMex Joint offered items typical of a fast food Mexican place with one exception. Near the bottom of the ad I noticed some text which stated, “FREE CONDOMS Courtesy of The City Health Department and your friendly neighborhood Local TexMex Joint.”

Of course I immediately scanned the ad so that I may display it here. The name of The Local TexMex Joint and The City Health Department has been covered up, but I’m sure it’s not hard to figure out the name of the place.

While the reviews of the Local TexMex Joint have been less than superb I plan on ordering something from there soon. I heard the delivery people actually show up dressed as ninjas.

Poof! It’s Magic

I have spent a good part of yesterday and today catching up on everything after returning from my 2 week trip to Austin. I had a backlog of email that seemed unending. While I was able to access the internet during my trip there simply was time to do anything other than take care of the most urgent of needs. 

I am nearing the end of the email queue and I am surprised that nothing too strange has happened while I was out. Yes I do have a rather high opinion of my own contribution to The Company. Finally, I got to the last email and boom, there it is – I let down my guard and I am smack sideways by an unexpectedly crazy email.

The MetalPlate (as everyone refers to him) has sent me a detailed breakdown of an idea for his latest “project.” MetalPlate feels that we would hit a “home run” and “make millions” with a machine that would produce anything we thought of.  My reaction – WTF!?

Here is my artist rendering of what MetalPlate wants to make:

Step 1. Think about puppies
Step 2. Box with wire attached to your head understands that you are thinking about puppies
Step 3. A puppy is produced

Everything Really is Bigger in Texas

My apologies for the delay in posting. Coincidentally after my previous post regarding credit card fraud in Texas The Job sent me on a work expedition in the Lone Star State. I returned from my 2 week stint in Austin, Texas on Friday but it took a couple of days to recover. The business part was boring but the food in Austin made the trip memorable.

Here is a sampling of what I encountered:

On my first night in town the concierge suggested a TexMex place down the street where we were treated to drinks served in a pitcher.

The next day our hosts directed us to the “Best Dang BBQ in Texas”. I ordered Special Plate #4. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera phone at the hotel. But I was able to locate a photo of my meal from their website. Keep in mind this is supposed to be food for just one human being.

Half way through the trip we hit another BBQ joint. This time the portions were a little smaller and something other than meat showed up on my plate.

On my last evening in Austin I enjoyed this delicious burrito. Although it doesn’t look it in the photo, this tortilla wrapped concoction was actually about the size of my forearm.

So lets tally up the damage. In all:
1. I gained 10 pounds
2. I haven’t gone to the bathroom in days
3. The thought of eating anymore meat makes me lightheaded

Yay for Texas!